I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
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