I cannot find my penis.
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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