Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
