My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
