i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Randomize
