sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
