So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up�
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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