ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Semen is not good for contacts.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
