I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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