So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
