i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
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