woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Randomize
