Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
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