shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
