I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
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