I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
