Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
