i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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