So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize
