It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Randomize
