I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
