I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
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