he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
