I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Randomize
