I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
