did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
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