Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize
