I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
