she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize
