the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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