Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
