Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
