We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Randomize
