U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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