Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
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