My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
