He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Randomize
