he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
