I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
