"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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