That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
not ubering you a puppy
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
