I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
