I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Randomize
