textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
