I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
