she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
