you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Randomize
