Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
