I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
