i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
